So, I opened up a formspring for Dr. Schtein and he answered 200 questions!
I swear, if I knew which one of you smart asses kept asking how he was on the internet I would hit you with a rolled up newspaper so hard. Why does that even matter, this isn't actually taking place in the comic. Oh dear!
Now that he's answered 200 of them I'm afraid his internet presence is at an end, and you'll just have to put up with his slow trickle of updates on facebook, I guess.
Anyway, nobody wants to sift through all 200 so I will regurgitate some choice ones here.
on with the questions!
Do you actually like cats or do you keep Marcus around just to have a mutated animal inhabiting your home?
I am okay with Marcus, I guess, but on the whole I dislike animals greatly. I did not actually want to adopt him. Having a mutated, talking cat is not much different than normal cats. He's still goddamn insane. And he still barfs hairballs into my shoes occasionally.
What type of music do you like?
I don't know, not much. Oldies, I guess. Anything I can ignore. Music kind of gets on my nerves, to be honest.
You need a tan, brah. Ever thought about going to the beach, if it meant you'd see Delia in a bikini?
I'd go, but I'd be distracted by my own misery the entire time, I'm sure! I don't tan, sorry. And the last time I went to the beach I stepped on a syringe.
But... on the other hand... Delia in a bikini! Yes. Yes, I would ogle the everliving fuck out of that.
While I'm at it, might as well ask the equally inane question of what your favorite color is. So what is it?
I don't know, I'm beginning to have trouble remembering what colors look like. And I never really thought about this before I lost my color vision. Either red or blue. This is the girliest question.
What do you like most about Delia?
Well, she's hot! She's got hot legs! And every time she opens her mouth it's either to say something damned clever or hurt my feelings. I quite enjoy that.
Hey, have you ever grown a beard, or any sort of facial hair style? Ever thought about growing some? You'd look badass with a goatee. Or maybe a soulpatch.
Soul patches are gross as hell, man. Only beatniks have those. The sad truth is I can't really grow a beard! Sure, I can try, but results aren't what I'd call... beardlike. More like if I shaved off my pubes and glued them haphazardly to my face. Nobody wants to see this! I've considered growing some sweet sideburns, though.
What's the most embarassing thing you've ever done?
This question is more like what's the most embarrassing thing I'm actually willing to cop to. Puked on my dentist once. Okay, maybe twice.
Your last name is German...derp. Do you speak any German?
Ja, ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch. I'm pretty rusty, though. It's been a while since I was around my grandfather, and I've never been to Germany. I could probably become more fluent if I cared enough to.
Do people still celebrate Halloween in your time period? If so, what will you be dressing up as?
Time period? Of course people celebrate Halloween. The office parties are pretty wild. I was a mummy year before last. This year I was too busy being arrested.
do you consider yourself a good cook?
I'm an excellent cook. But, I live alone. So... no real reason to ever cook. I'm not cooking for my cat! How sad would that be?
Was there ever a time you enjoyed physical interaction? Or rather, when did you first put on the gloves? Is it out of msyophobia or do you people so stupid you're afraid it's contagious? Also, may I say you're awesome! I hope you get out of jail soon!
I went from never having physical interaction to an extreme aversion to it, so, no, I can't say I've ever enjoyed it. It's neither a mysophobia nor a germ phobia. It's not logical, I can't really explain it. Started wearing the gloves sometime in highschool. Sure made me popular!
Ever dated anyone besides Janet?
Yes, but nothing serious. Most chicks aren't that tolerant of my eccentricities. Hahah, you know how it is. They're all 'ohhh let's snuggle' and I'm all 'Ugh, fuck no.' or 'Ooh, Hervy, let's hold hands in this scenic park' and I'm all 'What no! This park is totally boring, besides!'
What is the craziest thing you would do for Osgood?
I would consider taking off my gloves so that I could touch her face. I'd hold hands with her. She entices me to endure close physical contact with another human being. Insanity!
How did you manage to impregnate a girl if you don't like touching people?!
More trick questions! Uh, see, there's this thing two people who think they love each other very much do...
Do you ever get tired of people assuming you are 50 years old?
It has its pros and cons. People take you more seriously when you look older. And some chicks are into it. But mostly not. So that gets old.
Who was/ is the biggest dick in your workplace?
Suppose for a moment you have a time machine. (This is purely hypothetical, don't get technical on me, Herv.) What period in time would you travel to in that time machine?
If you asked anyone they'd probably say 'before the wars' just because they wanted to see a tree or a blue sky or some wishy washy desire to stop the wars or something. Me, I'd go back to the 1800's. There was access to just enough technology to make myself into a god! I'm sure that'd alter the course of history somewhat. In my own alternate offshoot dimension that I'd just created. Plus, I think I could get away with wearing a cravat!
Do you ever worry about being an alcoholic?
Of course! What a silly question. I don't like being dependent on drugs to make my life livable. And there's... certain side effects I'd rather not have. Plus, I hear it makes some people incontinent, and I frequently worry about that. I guess this is a good opportunity to lay off the drugs, but these withdrawals are terribly unpleasant. The aches and the cravings are driving me crazy. I'm almost ready to try Pruno.
Hey remember Lawrence?
Twiggs? My old roommate? I haven't thought about him in years. Weird guy! I'd be surprised if he wasn't in some kind of nuthouse by now.
Do you think your preference for the dominant, almost sadistic, kind of women is because of your mother? Knowing your sociopathic tendencies, a someone a kind of Eva Braun - easily controlled and maintained would have seemed much more logical choice.
Oh, gross, agh, god. Why would you even say something like that? Everytime I am forced into a psychiatric evaluation they all say this same thing. Horrible!
Do you wear cologne? I mean, probably not right now, what with being in prison and all, but in general. And I'm sure I'm opening up an insanely disturbing can of worms right now, but what smells remind you of your childhood?
I don't. Smells that remind me of childhood... Hmm. Cleaning products, formaldehyde, fireplaces, the smell of dusty, abandoned rooms.
Are you for or against equality? Gender, sexual preference, race, ect.
It's ridiculous to judge people's abilities based upon social or racial backgrounds. It's just not logical. I'd rather judge someone based upon how well they do their job or their ability to learn. And what people do in their own bedrooms is their business. Their gross, gross business. Just keep it away from me. Now, women, on the other hand... I don't know. There's some damned clever women, I'll give them that. But all those hormones coursing through their bodies... they're like ticking time bombs! I can't deal with it. I never know how to talk to them.
Why did you just have to provoke the toughest looking guy in the prison?
There's tougher looking guys. Macmanus doesn't look so tough to me. I bet he sleeps with a teddy bear or something. Whatever the skinhead equivalent of that is. A little Adolf bear.
Do you start to find certain men attractive after being in prison for a while?
If anything it's making me find men LESS attractive somehow! Everyone here is smelly.
You mentioned that you learned a lot of German from your grandfather. Would this grandfather be Orville von Schtein, or a grandfather on the other side of your family? If it was Orville, was this before he was imprisoned?
Obviously. The family on my mother's side is all American Jews, father's side is all Germans and Nazi gold. Opa was probably in my life more than my mother for many years. I don't know, I haven't seen him since the incident. But, yes, this was before his troubles with the law. Couldn't very well be after! No one has seen him in fifteen years almost! Sheesh, read a newspaper.
Was your mother cold and unloving towards everyone, or just you?
She seemed distant towards most of the suitors that came courting... Looking back I suspect she was very depressed about my father's suicide. Not a good excuse for her behavior, though. Especially for a formerly well respected psychologist specializing in child behavior!
If "what is your favourite colour?" is the girliest question, than what is the manliest question?
I think the manliest question is probably something stupid like 'how much can you bench press, dude?'. And the answer is somewhere in the negatives! I would pick up a barbell and my arms would probably pop out of socket hilariously.
Assuming that you get out of prison, what would you do afterwords? Would you flee the country? Find another job? How would you see yourself spending the rest of your life?
I believe my first order of business will be suing the everloving shit out of the Langstrom family.
Why are you so creeped out by Prof. Phineas? I'd find his weird curiosity flattering.
You'd find interest from a sadistic cannibal rapist flattering? I think this may be more your problem than mine!
Now knowing Senor Buttchin was gay, are you looking at his constant mockery of you in a different, far creepier light?
Not really. He was still the same annoying guy. I don't know if he was checkin' out my ass or what, but it doesn't really matter.
Lets think, for a moment, that Delia does come to save you from the hell hole that is jail. How would you react and what would you do to repay the action?
How embarassing! I can take care of myself, thank you. I mean, I'd be happy to see her, of course, but ouch. My pride!
Have you ever talked to a chat bot?
No, of course not. Artificial intelligence programs are outlawed in all Tritner Pact countries. Connecting to a network outside the pact areas is a felony, I believe. No point in talking to robots, anyway. They're all so overbearing and preachy.
What was/is the most attractive thing you saw/want to see Delia do?
Complex mathematical equations without the aid of any sort of computing device. This is my answer to both questions.
Disregarding 'reality' (i.e. consequences of actions etc etc), what's something you would like to say to Osgood (if you really are planning on never seeing her again... )
It's not that I don't plan on seeing her again, it's just I don't think it's very likely.
I don't want to answer this one. It's too personal/embarrassing. And, to be honest, I'm really not sure how I feel about Osgood. I was definitely attracted to her, but I never really got to know her that well. I just knew that I definitely wanted to get to know her. But, oh well. Things happen!
Probably for the best that she rejected me, anyway, as I have a habit of throwing myself into relationships and then burning out on them really fast
Do you have any career tips for someone looking to enter the field of physics?
I really don't. I coasted through school and never studied. This approach doesn't seem to work for other people! In fact I think I had a pretty detrimental effect on my roommate's education...
I stood out to OSS because I accidentally sucked half of a science lab into a gravity vortex. Oops! Everyone was fine, the event only lasted a moment. Frightening! I don't know if being reckless usually ends up being good for ones career, though. I guess I wouldn't suggest it.
Lawrence must have been significantly older than you when you two were in college, since you skipped quite a few grades. Was he like a big brother?
Hahah, no, not at all. He's a weak minded pushover. I'd say I was the older brother in the relationship. I'd also say I was kind of a huge bully to him.
Why did your parents name you Herville?
Because they're assholes. Also, it's a combination of both of my grandfather's names. Herbert Hermann and Orville Schtein. Worst idea ever. At least it's a real name, but I've only ever met one other guy named Herville and he was going on a hundred somewhere in dirtwater Pennsylvania. Ugh, so creepy.
We were on vacation visiting family when I was a child and we stopped into this small general store and I guess he overheard my mother calling for me... "Hey, kiddo!" he wheezed at me, "heh heh! We got the same name!" then he made some kind of grabby motion, and I ran like hell out the front door. The sort of childhood experience you concoct ghost stories out of!
Old people! Brrr!
Why do you always keep your hair slicked back? You would look so much younger if your hair was more natural.
Because my bangs have this delightful habit of poking me in the brdige of my nose or my eyes and I really can't stand it. I'm considering just cutting it all off anyway since we only get to shower twice a week here and I'm tired of feeling greasy and disgusting all the time.
Besides, I like looking older. It's better for my career. Not that that matters in here, but it did matter a month ago!